Daddy, Daddy, shame on me…

by admin

Dad, dad, please don’t shame

Stays with me after,

starts a game…

What did I do

That is so bad?

Just living life

Why were you so mad?

Also a lesson, 

Pro-ba-bly

A threat, ‘don’t learn it’ 

or shame on me

Some have value

Others not

Do they teach?

Or just shame? hot. 

Hard to discern

differentiate

When to reflect

When to amputate. 

It’s all on me

To make the call

And if I don’t

Then shame will fall

Upon me like

A heated cloak

Enshrouds me

What’s so wrong with “woke”?

I guess I should 

Just say to myself

We differ here

Put it back on the shelf

For that book

can’t read no more

I’m not bad

I’m not a whore. 

Keeps creeping in

When I meet men

I Don’t even know

Historical pen…

That writes this story

“Need to please”

But at same time

This gate has fees…

If I don’t realize

Boun-da-ries

I give in

I just “appease”…

Others desires

Big mistake

After, angry

Retaliate.

“Engaged too soon…”

But my cognition

When all I want

Is recognition. 

But I don’t ask

Before engaging

So when not there

Then I am raging. 

What do I do?

I sabotage…

Thinking back at pictures

of Arbitrage…

 

 

Bad pattern set

Next, ‘self-judge’

All the actions

Leading to the nudge

To ‘other’

When all I want is respect

When I offer myself

If you’re erect

Or more specific

If you make the pass

I’m not a ‘tease’

Maybe you’re just an ass.

If I ‘withhold’

Then I’m a minx

But really I’m trying

To avoid the ‘jinx’ 

Of Daddy returning…

Before you say “I’m nice”

To say, “you’re a wench”

It repeats, not just twice..

‘I think we engaged…

(So then I text)

…Far too soon

For myself, have regret…’

haven’t heard from you

In 36 hour

That “You’re great”’

My mood starts to sour…

Maybe just a little

“Last night had good time…”

I don’t ask for a lot

It don’t have to rhyme

With what I want

Just recognition

That I was there

Was never my ambition…

For ‘Thrilla’ the hunt’

Don’t want just a body. 

Want Life partner

Not just a party. 

Then mood changes to dark

I don’t stop ‘the me’

Sabotage with stories

My identity

I am bad

I am hateful

I deserve to be beat

‘You may not like kitchen

But stay in the heat.’

“For you made your bed

In it you will lie

You’re the one who married

You’re the one who will cry.”

Maybe it wasn’t…

Just quite right…

I think I must go…

“You stay there, sit tight”

For ‘married, I’m paid for’

There, I give status

“You’re no longer our charge

Different apparatus…”

That you’ll always maintain

Unless you are bad

Is it really my fault

When others get mad?

For taking a stand

About mind and bod

For defending my head

Is that so “bad” Fod?

Dropped from partnership

“What did you do?”

Asked the Father when

Things went askew…

In restaurants local

Other having a tantrum

But it’s still my fault

It’s such a conundrum

How I could be blamed…

For another man’s drinking

Behavior in public

What can I be thinking…

To say, “well it’s me…

It’s my fault, I erred…

It was something I said

It was something I bared…”

And while this could be

When violence appears

I’m only receiving

Get boxed in the ears…

A message should say

“Get out, it’s wrong, just get real…”

“However you can

Not a part of the deal.”

That’s not what I heard…

I heard, ‘you stay put.’

Roof over your head.

In these problems I root…

And so they sprout

In my dating world now

Bumble and Match

Plenty of Fish…how?

Will I ever work through

My head and my path 

To do something different

So no drama aftermath. 

When “it” arises

(Wouldn’t call it fornication)

There must be different choices

Than capitulation.  

How about “just a second”

Slow down for me

See if you like me

And if I like thee. 

Get some trust

That it’s more

Than just
one night stand

That it’s not like before.

 

So after all venting

What’s the prognosis?

Yes, I know…

I do have psychosis

But don’t we all

Have bags from the past

Not ‘manic’, unpacking

don’t want them to last…

So please if I meet you

Don’t pressure me

You’ll be sorry we met

If I please you, so be….

But I’ll feel regret

And I will feel pain

When you do not call

When I start to feel shame.

And the cycle continues

It’s my job to break it.

Just say, “NO”

And I think I will make it.